I'm still alive and fat.

Hello, lovely people of the Internet.

I am still alive and still fat. And I have been reading all you lovelies' posts.
So what has been going on with me, let's see. Nothing really.

I have started the new job. Yey, I'm not a lazy slob anymore. Still in the training phase though. Which I have to say is way harder than I imagined. It is also exhausting. Probably because I'm used to just lay in bed all day feeling sad and not doing much.  But still I get home with just about enough strenght left to shower and eat. It's also very hard for me to interact with people there. I'm not made for this.

Fat wise, I'm still fat. Even fatter actually. I've gained back like 3lbs, or something of the sort and I do truly hate the fact that I'm getting back to my old ways. The reson is becuase the place I work in is right across a mall, so there's lots of fast food places and I never have the willpower to just not eat. At least I don't binge, right. I eat bad shit, but it's like 2 doghunts, or a litle chinese. As opposed to what I used to do - 4 doughnuts, chinese, KFC, and then go home and eat more.

It's been two weeks since I started and I'm getting used to the whole thing, so I hope that I will be back posting regularly and commenting, so bear with me.

I wish you a wonderful week! :)

Fast?

Oh, well it's been shit the past couple of days.

I've been binging and purging the past two days and last night I got really drunk.

I don't know what my weight is now, but I had got down to 153 lbs. Which is actually 69lgs, so I'm finally below 70. I couldn't believe it when I saw the scale. Speaking of scale I got an electronic one for my place, because the one I had was not electronic and not at all accurate.

Everything else is pure shit. I have no money. I'm gonna have a house guest I don't really know staying with me for four days. My training has been changed to 6 weeks instead of four. I'm super sad and lonely and alone(literally, my sister's not around so I'm constantly alone).

I've not eaten anything today. I'm thinking of fasting. I really want to buy diet coke, but I don't know if it's a good idea seeing as I don't have money.

I just want to be thin. And maybe have a little money.

Sorry for the negativity.
Hope you're doing better.

-A.

One step forward, two steps back.

I am caught between trying to stay away from unsavory behaviours and falling pray to old habits. It's getting really confusing and not at all as easy as I imagined it to be.
I keep thinking that it's best to try and eliminate unhealthy behaviours completely and then go from there, but somehow it's just not happening. I'm too big/thick/fat at this point, honestly.

I thought I was doing ok the past couple of days, because I didn't purge, but then again I spent one and a half hours (a day) on the stationary bike, so does that really count? On top of everyting my mother got back yesterday and I kind of overate on all the things she brought. So that was devastating. Luckily, this morning, after I went to the bathroom, I was 156.5lbs, which is almost 1lbs down. Go me, right.

I guess right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm absolutely mentally and physically exhausted. I'm trying to be positive and all that, but I've got two mirrors in my room that make it nearly impossible. Not to mention the fact that I have to go clothes shopping next week, so I have something decent to wear to work. Can you imagine - me with a job!? I certainly can't. Keep your fingerst crossed I don't muck up everything on the first day.

I've been feeling so sad this past week and now august is creeping up and the end of summer is beginning I'm finding it really hard not to just give in and sleep all day, shut out the entire world and dwell on all the things that make me hurt. So far I haven't done it, but I can't promise anything.

In other news - mother has told me that I look thinner. Which is nice, but I don't really believe it. I think she pitties me and wants to make me feel better. I apreciate it, but I'd rather she just doesn't say anything. I can't really cope with the thought of someone other than me paying attention to my body and weight and everything. It makes me quite uneasy.

I hope this week is better than the previous one.
I'm sending you all positive vibes and hugs!

-A.