It's been very hard.
I really really want to say something good has happened lately. Or since I last wrote. (I have been reading just not having the energy to actually interact on here). Which is a year. I have been gone for a year. It makes me so, so, soo sad, honestly.
I am still sick. But have some kind of diagnosis, kind of.
What a bunch of doctors have currently come up with, is arthritis, hashimoto's disease and insulin resistance. Also a very severe allergic reaction to a yet unknown thing. Go fucking me. Right!
So, basically the reason for my massive weight gain is no longer unknown my thyroid is shot to shit. Really shot to shit. It's so bad, I'm really sad. I have been put on the medication which is used to treat this, hypothyroidism is what it is, the thyroid doesn't produce the normal hormones it's supposed to. As a result, you gain weight, can't sleep, are always cold, depression and mood swings. A bunch of other pleasant things like that. I have been taking the medication, it's not been working. The dosage has been corrected several times, and at present, the test are still not great, but kind of approaching something resembling normal.
Let me tell you one thing, it really sucks. It's been terrible to live with it and I was really really hoping it would be easier. It hasn't and it's taking such a toll on me.
I know that there's people with so much worse medical conditions, but it's really not easy. It's horrible and I'm trying my best.
So I was on a strict diet for the insulin resistance and was doing pretty well, then the thyroid got worse and I started binging again. So it all went down the toilet.
I'm really really scared I will get diabetes. I am trying really hard, just failing so miserably, it's sad. (But, honestly, expected given I am such a good for nothing waste of space.)
I actually lost 25lbs while my hormones were all better in the beginning, now I've gained them all back and everything is horrible.
No one is doing anything about the arthritis and I still swell everywhere, been just taking painkillers and probably damaging my liver, yay, how awesome is that.
Another great thing - steroids. Which have been given to me quite a few times and my lovely doctor has credited this as the reason for gaining back the 25lbs. Well, thanks, they did nothing but I'm just as fat now. I don't know. I just kind of feel that it's all because I eat everything.
I don't know what happened, honestly. There were years, were everything was so great on the 600 to 800 kcals daily and the dizziness and the hipbones. WHAT HAPPENED!?
Sorry, for the very depressing update on my sad, little life.
Also, I have turned 24 this year, which marks 10 years of my love-hate relationship with food. It is honestly so sad to me that I have wasted 10 fucking years only to be obese, as I am now classified. This due to the fact that I've been thinking, all this time, that I am 5'5 when I'm actually the sad little 5.2(and a half technically) and tip the scales at almost 180lbs.
So, in conclusion - I am sad, fat, so hopelessly alone that I have been crying and purging daily for the better part of 2 months and I can't stop. I don't know what to do and how to make it all stop.
To be honest all I want is to be thin. Again.
Hope your year has been better.
-A.
hey there beautiful,
ReplyDeleteouch. that sounds awful. i hope you're able to get things stabilised from a medical stand-point. :( and hey, it's okay to hate having hypothyroidism. having being told that you got to take thyroxine for the rest of your life is a hard thing to swallow (mind the pun, it was unintended). just because you don't have it the worst doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad about it, alright?
be really sweet and kind to yourself, okay. <3
for the arthritis, they'll give you painkillers and physiotherapy probably. your GP can even give you something to help with it, but i'm team physio > painkillers, cause painkillers could help you with flares, but physiotherapy would reduce you having the pain.
hey there, honey, your body gets tired over time. when you start losing weight, it's so easy to stick to x number of calories but your body gets tired. your mind does too of playing games like this. you've been depriving it for years. it's going to lash out. and you have to eat normally for your body to be able to cope with that again, you know? <3
you deserve to eat, recover and have a normal relationship with food. i really hope you feel better soon.
i know it's not easy the whole recovery thing. i wouldn't vouch for it unless i'm 100% sure that it's going to make you feel better, you know. <3
- Sam Lupin
I’m sorry to hear you’re still unwell, but it’s good to know the doctors are getting an idea of what’s going on. It can take time to figure things out, but at least you’re on the path to a healthier, happier life.
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely not a waste of space. It can be so fucking hard. Most of the people I know who do have diabetes don’t even try to do the right thing, and you are trying to avoid it in the first place.
Steroids can be a bitch. I’m on them quite a lot for my lungs. When they do help, it can be worth it. I can’t imagine your frustration for going through that and them not even helping.
I’m hitting 10 years of ED next year, which is so sad to think about. Regardless of where your weight’s at, it’s a long time to spend with this sorta shit. Ten years ago, I thought by now I’d have a university degree and be working in the costuming industry and have my own house and a happy life. Instead I’ve just got 10 years of obsession and numbers and mentally and physically unwell.
Stay safe, lovely. Hope to hear another update from you soon <3
xxBella