Everything is worse with each passing day.
I suck at my job and I keep getting fatter. I am now the fattest I have been. EVER. I am too ashamed to even think about how much I weigh. And a coworker of mine did confirm it. She said "I remember how you looked when you started in our team n the autumn."
I am the heaviest that I have ever been. Ever.
It is so very sad. So very sad.
I am now back to the binging and purging. Because I fail at everything. I cannot stop eating and then well it has to come out.
Oh well. I've always known I am unimportant, fat and ugly. Why not look and act it.
I am very overwhelmed and it shows everywhere. For the past 4 months all I have been doing is working and sleeping and eating(of course). And I even fail at my job.
To be perfectly honest I really miss him. I can't stop remembering him. It's like the slightest thing just takes me right back to those times in his car after midnight. All those pointless talks and all those cigarretes smoked right after. I haven't lived after him. Not really. I've been getting by somehow. I almost don't cry anymore, but nothing is the same and everything is pointless.
I know it's pathetic and I wish I could snap out of it 3 years later, but hey he was the first and all other just seem grey and completely insignificant. I can't even remember most of them.
I really need to lose weight. I need to be thin. It's the only thing that's left honestly. I have no other purpose. I need to make this happen once and for all. I can keep on living this ugly and pathetic. And let's not kid ourselves everything is better when you're thin. I know I was. Everything was ok.
I just need to stop eating. Less calories, less money spent, less selfhatred.
Somebody put me out of my misery already. :(
- A.
aka Queen of Fatness
