I have been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now. To no avail.
I have been gaining weight, losing it, then gaining it again and am currently at my heaviest weight ever - 171.9lbs, which to be honest is 2lbs less than last week, but what are 2 miserable lbs.
To be honest it's all the stupid drinking. I am drinking almost every night for I don't know how many months now. And I drink a lot. I get drunk, really drunk and don't remember shit. And then I eat when I am drunk. The next day I eat because I am hungover and then I eat because I am sad I ate so much. So that's how I gained 4587696lbs now.
I am drinking because of my job. To be more precise - because I suck at my job. I just started to get a little better at it, started to feel some ground under my feet and they decided that I'm not longer be in the same team, which is a team of speciallist, dealing with only one technology of the product, but I'd be better suited in the generalist team. It really broke me. I can't deal when people confirm I am worthless.
Right now I am sick. I have been in the hospital the past week. They let me go now, but I go back every day to get some injections and fluids through an ivy. I had a very bad alergic reaction out of nowevere and it was quite scary as I was covered in red hives all over my body and I was so swallen it was terrible. And the good news - no one knows what's going on. They just know it's some kind of infection within my fucked up body.
I went to be with my mother and the conclusion is - she hates me for dropping out of university. She thinks I am stupid and shallow and good for nothing. She now wants me to pay rent and bills. I am beyond devastated. This is the one thing that literally kills me - knowing I am a disappointment to her and that she is ashamed of me.
I am having a really, really bad time. It's hard for me to think and not being able to do anything due to this sickness, makes me think a lot. I'm getting even sadder. I don't know what to do.
Hope you are doing better.
- A
