Hello, it's me again.
Still sick, still bored, still ever so fat.
I wanted to talk about something that people keep on doing and I am getting really annoyed. Telling me I am fat. Not in so many words of course.
Most of them would elude to my weight or make a losing weight "joke". And ohh, does it get to me. In the moment I do pretend that I didn't hear it, you know ignore the whole thing, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I know I am fat, I can see that I am fat and I am perfectly aware that I need to lose weight. Why do you have to point it out. It's like - it's my fucking body, leave me alone.
The biggest thing to be honest is with my mother. She just can't let it go. I do realise that 30 lbs isn't something you can't notice, but I am well aware I have gained it. I can see it, I can feel it, I absolutely hate it. She says that she does it to motivate me. Well, mother dearest, have you not learned your lesson already?? This approach never worked with me. It might be what gets you going, but it just makes me feel worse and I end up deeper in the hole I conveniently dug for myself.
I am trying to explain all that to her, I am trying to convey that I also hate the way I look and unfortunately have lost control over it, but am desperately trying to get back to something resembling my normal body, but somehow it doesn't seem to get through. I don't know. It's probably my fault. I mean everything else is, it's only logical.
Since I am still somewhat sick and need things put into my iv cathether I am staying with her for a little while longer. I hope not longer than the end of the week. After that I hope to go back to work and resume some sort of normal routine. I do hope that I won't fall back into the drinking, binging, throwing up, binging drinking pattern again when I go back to living with my sister. I desperately need to lose this weight.
The doctor hasn't said anything about the restricted vegan diet and specifically how long do I have to be on it, but I will try my best to keep it going as long as I can. I really need for my body to have a break and have something somewhat healthy for a change. I am also in desperate need of exercise of some sort. Will have to think of something I don't absolutely dread.
Mother still believes me a stupid waste of space. I can't blame her.
That's about it all for now. Hope things are going better for you.
Have a wonderful week!
- A.
