It's been very hard.
I really really want to say something good has happened lately. Or since I last wrote. (I have been reading just not having the energy to actually interact on here). Which is a year. I have been gone for a year. It makes me so, so, soo sad, honestly.
I am still sick. But have some kind of diagnosis, kind of.
What a bunch of doctors have currently come up with, is arthritis, hashimoto's disease and insulin resistance. Also a very severe allergic reaction to a yet unknown thing. Go fucking me. Right!
So, basically the reason for my massive weight gain is no longer unknown my thyroid is shot to shit. Really shot to shit. It's so bad, I'm really sad. I have been put on the medication which is used to treat this, hypothyroidism is what it is, the thyroid doesn't produce the normal hormones it's supposed to. As a result, you gain weight, can't sleep, are always cold, depression and mood swings. A bunch of other pleasant things like that. I have been taking the medication, it's not been working. The dosage has been corrected several times, and at present, the test are still not great, but kind of approaching something resembling normal.
Let me tell you one thing, it really sucks. It's been terrible to live with it and I was really really hoping it would be easier. It hasn't and it's taking such a toll on me.
I know that there's people with so much worse medical conditions, but it's really not easy. It's horrible and I'm trying my best.
So I was on a strict diet for the insulin resistance and was doing pretty well, then the thyroid got worse and I started binging again. So it all went down the toilet.
I'm really really scared I will get diabetes. I am trying really hard, just failing so miserably, it's sad. (But, honestly, expected given I am such a good for nothing waste of space.)
I actually lost 25lbs while my hormones were all better in the beginning, now I've gained them all back and everything is horrible.
No one is doing anything about the arthritis and I still swell everywhere, been just taking painkillers and probably damaging my liver, yay, how awesome is that.
Another great thing - steroids. Which have been given to me quite a few times and my lovely doctor has credited this as the reason for gaining back the 25lbs. Well, thanks, they did nothing but I'm just as fat now. I don't know. I just kind of feel that it's all because I eat everything.
I don't know what happened, honestly. There were years, were everything was so great on the 600 to 800 kcals daily and the dizziness and the hipbones. WHAT HAPPENED!?
Sorry, for the very depressing update on my sad, little life.
Also, I have turned 24 this year, which marks 10 years of my love-hate relationship with food. It is honestly so sad to me that I have wasted 10 fucking years only to be obese, as I am now classified. This due to the fact that I've been thinking, all this time, that I am 5'5 when I'm actually the sad little 5.2(and a half technically) and tip the scales at almost 180lbs.
So, in conclusion - I am sad, fat, so hopelessly alone that I have been crying and purging daily for the better part of 2 months and I can't stop. I don't know what to do and how to make it all stop.
To be honest all I want is to be thin. Again.
Hope your year has been better.
-A.
