I am caught between trying to stay away from unsavory behaviours and falling pray to old habits. It's getting really confusing and not at all as easy as I imagined it to be.
I keep thinking that it's best to try and eliminate unhealthy behaviours completely and then go from there, but somehow it's just not happening. I'm too big/thick/fat at this point, honestly.
I thought I was doing ok the past couple of days, because I didn't purge, but then again I spent one and a half hours (a day) on the stationary bike, so does that really count? On top of everyting my mother got back yesterday and I kind of overate on all the things she brought. So that was devastating. Luckily, this morning, after I went to the bathroom, I was 156.5lbs, which is almost 1lbs down. Go me, right.
I guess right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm absolutely mentally and physically exhausted. I'm trying to be positive and all that, but I've got two mirrors in my room that make it nearly impossible. Not to mention the fact that I have to go clothes shopping next week, so I have something decent to wear to work. Can you imagine - me with a job!? I certainly can't. Keep your fingerst crossed I don't muck up everything on the first day.
I've been feeling so sad this past week and now august is creeping up and the end of summer is beginning I'm finding it really hard not to just give in and sleep all day, shut out the entire world and dwell on all the things that make me hurt. So far I haven't done it, but I can't promise anything.
In other news - mother has told me that I look thinner. Which is nice, but I don't really believe it. I think she pitties me and wants to make me feel better. I apreciate it, but I'd rather she just doesn't say anything. I can't really cope with the thought of someone other than me paying attention to my body and weight and everything. It makes me quite uneasy.
I hope this week is better than the previous one.
I'm sending you all positive vibes and hugs!
-A.
It should really be an unwritten rule to not comment on someone else's weight. Even if it's intended as a compliment, you don't know how they're going to take it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the new job <3
xx
Right? I think so myself. Even though I notice people's weight and compare myself to them I never voice any opinions.
DeleteOh, thank you! I'm super scared. It's my first ever job.
-A.
you're not too anything. i always say, imagine someone you really care about in the same predicament as you. what advice would you give them? and usually, that makes you think logically about anything i find.
ReplyDeletei think the thing is just trying to take out that bad behaviours is hard. and nearly impossible. so you just try to tone them down as much as you can. my biggest focus when i started recovery was that i eat more and not purge. other stuff didn't matter, but i did use to exercise so much to offset it. gradually, i stopped doing that but i was still abusing laxatives and pills. you can't tackle on everything at once. all you can do is hope for the best.
and i just want to say, you're not "too fat" or "weigh too much" for recovery. that doesn't exist. i know it's not like you're going to jump into the bandwagon after this comment, but it's nice to know that someone else disprove what you thought was an unwritten law (it's not).
good luck on your job, love, and take it one day at a time.
and Bella's right about it being an unwritten rule not to comment on someone else's weight. i hate that mum does this a lot, and it's not at all helpful!
take care love xxx
i'm sending you back some of your vibes ;) and lots of luck!
take care,
-Sam Lupin
It does sound like good advice. I shall give it a try. It's just really hard because I've never been this heavy in my life, ever.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is something I'm really putting effort in. I think my mistake is wanting to just do it in a week and that's that. When realistically I know it's a long, hard road out of hell (sorry, I adore Marilyn Manson) ^_^
Thank you for your comment. It really does make a difference.
Hugs!
-A.