Ok, this is getting ridiculous.

I am so so afraid of my job now. I am truly terrified.
It's been 3 days of actual work and let me tell you it's so hard. I have to work with people, over the phone and I panic and my mind just freezes and I try to just cope, but it's so, so hard. People keep telling me "It's ok, no one really knows what's going on the first month or so. We all just you know, wing it. It's ok to be completely clueless, don't worry." But it's incomprehensible for me to just don't worry. Yes, right now (the first 2 weeks) we don't have to actually hit any targets, but what happens after that. I don't even know if I will make it to that point. I'm really just so terrified.
One of the managers even called me in "the little room" to try and explain that it's all normal and it's gonna pass and to just not worry, but honestly all I could think about is that everyone's already past that, so they can just "not worry".
All in all I am terrified and feel like the stupidest person in the whole company.

There are so many handsome men around though. Of course everyone I've liked so far is in a relationship. Just my luck as usual. What can you do. To be honest even if they weren't, who would like me. All fat and ugly and super stupid. Oh, how I wish I could have something to keep me afloat.

In other news - I am now officially under 150lbs! FUCK YEAH! I cannot describe how happy I am. It's the best thing to happen for the past month and I still can't believe I did it. I'm 148.2lbs, everyone! Isn't this amazing! I've basically been trying to eat as little as possible and it has been working. Being in a constant state of terror and confusion has also helped. I just pray I can keep it up at least until I get back to my old less than 130lbs self.

I hope you're all doing good.
Lots of love and hugs.
-A.