Sick and fat.

Hello, I am alive. Albeit still sick. And no one really knows what is going on.

So what's happening is my arms and legs and feet and fingers swell and I get big red hives all over my body(literally all over). I have been to the hospital twice in the last 3 month and spent a total of a month there. Two weeks the first time, two weeks the second one. In the specialised clinic.

Right now the verdict is none. Everything seems to be okay with the blood work and so on. Fuck that. And the best thing - I can't exercise at all. Not anything that strains the limbs and joint and shit, so basically nothing. As a result I have gained even more weight, bringing my highest weight to new heights. Nothing fits and everything hurts.

Work sucks. I hate it, I really do. I want a break from everything.

Hope you're doing better.

- A.

I didn't ask you.

Hello, it's me again.

Still sick, still bored, still ever so fat.

I wanted to talk about something that people keep on doing and I am getting really annoyed. Telling me I am fat. Not in so many words of course.

Most of them would elude to my weight or make a losing weight "joke". And ohh, does it get to me. In the moment I do pretend that I didn't hear it, you know ignore the whole thing, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I know I am fat, I can see that I am fat and I am perfectly aware that I need to lose weight. Why do you have to point it out. It's like - it's my fucking body, leave me alone.

The biggest thing to be honest is with my mother. She just can't let it go. I do realise that 30 lbs isn't something you can't notice, but I am well aware I have gained it. I can see it, I can feel it, I absolutely hate it. She says that she does it to motivate me. Well, mother dearest, have you not learned your lesson already?? This approach never worked with me. It might be what gets you going, but it just makes me feel worse and I end up deeper in the hole I conveniently dug for myself.

I am trying to explain all that to her, I am trying to convey that I also hate the way I look and unfortunately have lost control over it, but am desperately trying to get back to something resembling my normal body, but somehow it doesn't seem to get through. I don't know. It's probably my fault. I mean everything else is, it's only logical.

Since I am still somewhat sick and need things put into my iv cathether I am staying with her for a little while longer. I hope not longer than the end of the week. After that I hope to go back to work and resume some sort of normal routine. I do hope that I won't fall back into the drinking, binging, throwing up, binging drinking pattern again when I go back to living with my sister. I desperately need to lose this weight.

The doctor hasn't said anything about the restricted vegan diet and specifically how long do I have to be on it, but I will try my best to keep it going as long as I can. I really need for my body to have a break and have something somewhat healthy for a change. I am also in desperate need of exercise of some sort. Will have to think of something I don't absolutely dread.

Mother still believes me a stupid waste of space. I can't blame her.

That's about it all for now. Hope things are going better for you.

Have a wonderful week!

- A.

It's been a while and now I am sick.

I have been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now.  To no avail.

I have been gaining weight, losing it, then gaining it again and am currently at my heaviest weight ever  - 171.9lbs, which to be honest is 2lbs less than last week, but what are 2 miserable lbs.

To be honest it's all the stupid drinking. I am drinking almost every night for I don't know how many months now. And I drink a lot. I get drunk, really drunk and don't remember shit. And then I eat when I am drunk. The next day I eat because I am hungover and then I eat because I am sad I ate so much. So that's how I gained 4587696lbs now.

I am drinking because of my job. To be more precise - because I suck at my job. I just started to get a little better at it, started to feel some ground under my feet and they decided that I'm not longer be in the same team, which is a team of speciallist, dealing with only one technology of the product, but I'd be better suited in the generalist team. It really broke me. I can't deal when people confirm I am worthless.

Right now I am sick. I have been in the hospital the past week. They let me go now, but I go back every day to get some injections and fluids through an ivy. I had a very bad alergic reaction out of nowevere and it was quite scary as I was covered in red hives all over my body and I was so swallen it was terrible. And the good news - no one knows what's going on. They just know it's some kind of infection within my fucked up body.

I went to be with my mother and the conclusion is - she hates me for dropping out of university. She thinks I am stupid and shallow and good for nothing. She now wants me to pay rent and bills. I am beyond devastated. This is the one thing that literally kills me - knowing I am a disappointment to her and that she is ashamed of me.

I am having a really, really bad time. It's hard for me to think and not being able to do anything due to this sickness, makes me think a lot. I'm getting even sadder. I don't know what to do.

Hope you are doing better.

- A

It's all going to shit.

Everything is worse with each passing day.

I suck at my job and I keep getting fatter. I am now the fattest I have been. EVER. I am too ashamed to even think about how much I weigh. And a coworker of mine did confirm it. She said "I remember how you looked when you started in our team n the autumn."

I am the heaviest that I have ever been. Ever.

It is so very sad. So very sad.

I am now back to the binging and purging. Because I fail at everything. I cannot stop eating and then well it has to come out.

Oh well. I've always known I am unimportant, fat and ugly. Why not look and act it.

I am very overwhelmed and it shows everywhere. For the past 4 months all I have been doing is working and sleeping and eating(of course). And I even fail at my job.

To be perfectly honest I really miss him. I can't stop remembering him. It's like the slightest thing just takes me right back to those times in his car after midnight. All those pointless talks and all those cigarretes smoked right after. I haven't lived after him. Not really. I've been getting by somehow. I almost don't cry anymore, but nothing is the same and everything is pointless.

I know it's pathetic and I wish I could snap out of it 3 years later, but hey he was the first and all other just seem grey and completely insignificant. I can't even remember most of them.

I really need to lose weight. I need to be thin. It's the only thing that's left honestly. I have no other purpose. I need to make this happen once and for all. I can keep on living this ugly and pathetic. And let's not kid ourselves everything is better when you're thin. I know I was. Everything was ok.

I just need to stop eating. Less calories, less money spent, less selfhatred.

Somebody put me out of my misery already. :(

- A.
aka Queen of Fatness

Hello there.

Yep, it's me. I am alive. Who would have guessed. And I am also fat. No surprise there though.

I hope you have been well, my Internet friends. I have not been here in quite some time as I have been a drunk bastard for many months now. And I also work all the time. Honestly all I do is work and drink. I get drunk every other day. Due to all the alcohol and hungover binging I am now back to where I started. Fat and disgusting and alcoholic at that.

I hate myself. I hate everyone around me. I hate my job, It's horrible. At night when I go to sleep I think about dying and more specifically killing myself. Everything is too much.

I slept with three of my colleagues. Two of whom have girlfriends. Go me. I didn't know that at the time, but does it really matter. The third, well another colleague was in love with him. Before I told her the whole story.

I have gained much weight. I don't fit in my clothes anymore. I don't take care of myself. I don't even shower with days. I disgust myself. I look terrible and I feel even worse. I also suck at my job.

I need for something to happen so that I snap out of this.

Help me. Please. I don't know how much longer I can do this.