I have been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now. To no avail.
I have been gaining weight, losing it, then gaining it again and am currently at my heaviest weight ever - 171.9lbs, which to be honest is 2lbs less than last week, but what are 2 miserable lbs.
To be honest it's all the stupid drinking. I am drinking almost every night for I don't know how many months now. And I drink a lot. I get drunk, really drunk and don't remember shit. And then I eat when I am drunk. The next day I eat because I am hungover and then I eat because I am sad I ate so much. So that's how I gained 4587696lbs now.
I am drinking because of my job. To be more precise - because I suck at my job. I just started to get a little better at it, started to feel some ground under my feet and they decided that I'm not longer be in the same team, which is a team of speciallist, dealing with only one technology of the product, but I'd be better suited in the generalist team. It really broke me. I can't deal when people confirm I am worthless.
Right now I am sick. I have been in the hospital the past week. They let me go now, but I go back every day to get some injections and fluids through an ivy. I had a very bad alergic reaction out of nowevere and it was quite scary as I was covered in red hives all over my body and I was so swallen it was terrible. And the good news - no one knows what's going on. They just know it's some kind of infection within my fucked up body.
I went to be with my mother and the conclusion is - she hates me for dropping out of university. She thinks I am stupid and shallow and good for nothing. She now wants me to pay rent and bills. I am beyond devastated. This is the one thing that literally kills me - knowing I am a disappointment to her and that she is ashamed of me.
I am having a really, really bad time. It's hard for me to think and not being able to do anything due to this sickness, makes me think a lot. I'm getting even sadder. I don't know what to do.
Hope you are doing better.
- A
I'm sorry to hear things are really difficult atm. It sounds like you've been trying for a long time and things have gotten too much for you. I hope your mum comes round to understanding what you're going through and doesn't put more pressure on you. Keep doing whatever it is that is getting you through the day. I hope things start to get better, a day or an hour at a time.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this. My drinking's gotten so bad recently. Even with cutting out sugary liqueur mixers and sticking with vodka and wine, my intake is ridiculous. Most nights it's a struggle to stay under 10 standard drinks. I don't get hangovers most of the time, but I blackout really suddenly and never remember the last few hours of the day.
ReplyDeleteThat infection sounds awful. I hope they can figure out what's going on and get you fixed up soon. Sending lots of love <3
xxxx