Hello, it's me again.
Still sick, still bored, still ever so fat.
I wanted to talk about something that people keep on doing and I am getting really annoyed. Telling me I am fat. Not in so many words of course.
Most of them would elude to my weight or make a losing weight "joke". And ohh, does it get to me. In the moment I do pretend that I didn't hear it, you know ignore the whole thing, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I know I am fat, I can see that I am fat and I am perfectly aware that I need to lose weight. Why do you have to point it out. It's like - it's my fucking body, leave me alone.
The biggest thing to be honest is with my mother. She just can't let it go. I do realise that 30 lbs isn't something you can't notice, but I am well aware I have gained it. I can see it, I can feel it, I absolutely hate it. She says that she does it to motivate me. Well, mother dearest, have you not learned your lesson already?? This approach never worked with me. It might be what gets you going, but it just makes me feel worse and I end up deeper in the hole I conveniently dug for myself.
I am trying to explain all that to her, I am trying to convey that I also hate the way I look and unfortunately have lost control over it, but am desperately trying to get back to something resembling my normal body, but somehow it doesn't seem to get through. I don't know. It's probably my fault. I mean everything else is, it's only logical.
Since I am still somewhat sick and need things put into my iv cathether I am staying with her for a little while longer. I hope not longer than the end of the week. After that I hope to go back to work and resume some sort of normal routine. I do hope that I won't fall back into the drinking, binging, throwing up, binging drinking pattern again when I go back to living with my sister. I desperately need to lose this weight.
The doctor hasn't said anything about the restricted vegan diet and specifically how long do I have to be on it, but I will try my best to keep it going as long as I can. I really need for my body to have a break and have something somewhat healthy for a change. I am also in desperate need of exercise of some sort. Will have to think of something I don't absolutely dread.
Mother still believes me a stupid waste of space. I can't blame her.
That's about it all for now. Hope things are going better for you.
Have a wonderful week!
- A.
I'm sorry about your mother. I sympathize.
ReplyDeletePeople really need to learn to just shut the heck up about other people's weight.
<3
i like the new blog scheme. very modern. i'm looking to change mine soon (just a little bit, not really much since i am firmly addicted to it.)
ReplyDelete("Why do you have to point it out. It's like - it's my fucking body, leave me alone"). honestly, it's true. i don't get why people feel like your weight is their business. it's not like they're living in your body. you are not as big as they think. and i especially hate the whole 'i'm doing this for your concern' thing. here, i'm a 'normal' size (the quotation marks are a long story), and i still get them. i don't even get it.
"She says that she does it to motivate me." i feel like with parents that you have a conflicting relationship with, the more they tell you to do something, the more you subconsciously rebel it. and i think it's because partially you know if you lose the weight now, they're going to take credit for it. just a thought. i know people like this. i know that i've felt like it too at times. people are so quick to give advice and then they're like 'oh, i'm right! see? i told you' in this awful manner. makes you not want to try and do things for yourself. i only mention this because i really care for you.
your weight, to me, means nothing. the only reason that i say these things is because i know you're unhappy at this weight. but i also don't vouch for you to starve yourself senseless. i know it's difficult. it's probably the most difficult thing ever. but you deserve better than this. you deserve to eat well and love your body. and take care of it. and then it'll take care of you. i'm still learning on the whole 'take care of your body' part. i used to think that eating kale salads all day and cubes of apples will get that for me. no. it's listening to what your body says even when you don't like the answer.
i hope you get better. really, i do. i care for you. because you're a person that is worthy of care. i don't need to know you for years to know that you deserve better than this.
"Mother still believes me a stupid waste of space. I can't blame her." you aren't. trust me. if you're meant to be here, you are. and you are. thousands of people die every day. but you don't. because you're meant to live. you have every right to be here as anyone else. and i want to let you know that you're special. and unique. everyone else. that's the beauty of things. and it is an undeniable truth. i hope you can see the light soon some day. i know you can conquer anything. i just hope that you start to believe that you can too. because you can.
- Sam Lupin
comment reply:
ReplyDelete"When I was in university I had a similar experience and I let it get to me too much, which ended up just emotionally draining me. My advice is to just try to brush it off." aw, you're too lovely. don't worry about it too much. i've forgotten most of it really. i partially use my blog as a journal of some sorts so that i can look back sometimes. thought remembering him would be something that would give me a laugh. ;) he's out of my mind completely right now. only in my mind when i need cheering up because Lee J. is great at making fun of him.
my week will be tonnes better once this systematic review will write itself. these reviews are necessary evils it seems! xx
wishing you have a wonderful morning tomorrow. :)
- Sam Lupin