It has been hard.

It's been very hard.

I really really want to say something good has happened lately. Or since I last wrote. (I have been reading just not having the energy to actually interact on here). Which is a year. I have been gone for a year. It makes me so, so, soo sad, honestly.

I am still sick. But have some kind of diagnosis, kind of.
What a bunch of doctors have currently come up with, is arthritis, hashimoto's disease and insulin resistance. Also a very severe allergic reaction to a yet unknown thing. Go fucking me. Right!

So, basically the reason for my massive weight gain is no longer unknown my thyroid is shot to shit. Really shot to shit. It's so bad, I'm really sad. I have been put on the medication which is used to treat this, hypothyroidism is what it is, the thyroid doesn't produce the normal hormones it's supposed to. As a result, you gain weight, can't sleep, are always cold, depression and mood swings. A bunch of other pleasant things like that. I have been taking the medication, it's not been working. The dosage has been corrected several times, and at present, the test are still not great, but kind of approaching something resembling normal.
Let me tell you one thing, it really sucks. It's been terrible to live with it and I was really really hoping it would be easier. It hasn't and it's taking such a toll on me.

I know that there's people with so much worse medical conditions, but it's really not easy. It's horrible and I'm trying my best.

So I was on a strict diet for the insulin resistance and was doing pretty well, then the thyroid got worse and I started binging again. So it all went down the toilet.

I'm really really scared I will get diabetes. I am trying really hard, just failing so miserably, it's sad. (But, honestly, expected given I am such a good for nothing waste of space.)

I actually lost 25lbs while my hormones were all better in the beginning, now I've gained them all back and everything is horrible.

No one is doing anything about the arthritis and I still swell everywhere, been just taking painkillers and probably damaging my liver, yay, how awesome is that.

Another great thing - steroids. Which have been given to me quite a few times and my lovely doctor has credited this as the reason for gaining back the 25lbs. Well, thanks, they did nothing but I'm just as fat now. I don't know. I just kind of feel that it's all because I eat everything.

I don't know what happened, honestly. There were years, were everything was so great on the 600 to 800 kcals daily and the dizziness and the hipbones. WHAT HAPPENED!?

Sorry, for the very depressing update on my sad, little life.

Also, I have turned 24 this year, which marks 10 years of my love-hate relationship with food. It is honestly so sad to me that I have wasted 10 fucking years only to be obese, as I am now classified. This due to the fact that I've been thinking, all this time, that I am 5'5 when I'm actually the sad little 5.2(and a half technically) and tip the scales at almost 180lbs.

So, in conclusion - I am sad, fat, so hopelessly alone that I have been crying and purging daily for the better part of 2 months and I can't stop. I don't know what to do and how to make it all stop.

To be honest all I want is to be thin. Again.

Hope your year has been better.

-A.

Sick and fat.

Hello, I am alive. Albeit still sick. And no one really knows what is going on.

So what's happening is my arms and legs and feet and fingers swell and I get big red hives all over my body(literally all over). I have been to the hospital twice in the last 3 month and spent a total of a month there. Two weeks the first time, two weeks the second one. In the specialised clinic.

Right now the verdict is none. Everything seems to be okay with the blood work and so on. Fuck that. And the best thing - I can't exercise at all. Not anything that strains the limbs and joint and shit, so basically nothing. As a result I have gained even more weight, bringing my highest weight to new heights. Nothing fits and everything hurts.

Work sucks. I hate it, I really do. I want a break from everything.

Hope you're doing better.

- A.

I didn't ask you.

Hello, it's me again.

Still sick, still bored, still ever so fat.

I wanted to talk about something that people keep on doing and I am getting really annoyed. Telling me I am fat. Not in so many words of course.

Most of them would elude to my weight or make a losing weight "joke". And ohh, does it get to me. In the moment I do pretend that I didn't hear it, you know ignore the whole thing, but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I know I am fat, I can see that I am fat and I am perfectly aware that I need to lose weight. Why do you have to point it out. It's like - it's my fucking body, leave me alone.

The biggest thing to be honest is with my mother. She just can't let it go. I do realise that 30 lbs isn't something you can't notice, but I am well aware I have gained it. I can see it, I can feel it, I absolutely hate it. She says that she does it to motivate me. Well, mother dearest, have you not learned your lesson already?? This approach never worked with me. It might be what gets you going, but it just makes me feel worse and I end up deeper in the hole I conveniently dug for myself.

I am trying to explain all that to her, I am trying to convey that I also hate the way I look and unfortunately have lost control over it, but am desperately trying to get back to something resembling my normal body, but somehow it doesn't seem to get through. I don't know. It's probably my fault. I mean everything else is, it's only logical.

Since I am still somewhat sick and need things put into my iv cathether I am staying with her for a little while longer. I hope not longer than the end of the week. After that I hope to go back to work and resume some sort of normal routine. I do hope that I won't fall back into the drinking, binging, throwing up, binging drinking pattern again when I go back to living with my sister. I desperately need to lose this weight.

The doctor hasn't said anything about the restricted vegan diet and specifically how long do I have to be on it, but I will try my best to keep it going as long as I can. I really need for my body to have a break and have something somewhat healthy for a change. I am also in desperate need of exercise of some sort. Will have to think of something I don't absolutely dread.

Mother still believes me a stupid waste of space. I can't blame her.

That's about it all for now. Hope things are going better for you.

Have a wonderful week!

- A.

It's been a while and now I am sick.

I have been trying to write this post for a couple of weeks now.  To no avail.

I have been gaining weight, losing it, then gaining it again and am currently at my heaviest weight ever  - 171.9lbs, which to be honest is 2lbs less than last week, but what are 2 miserable lbs.

To be honest it's all the stupid drinking. I am drinking almost every night for I don't know how many months now. And I drink a lot. I get drunk, really drunk and don't remember shit. And then I eat when I am drunk. The next day I eat because I am hungover and then I eat because I am sad I ate so much. So that's how I gained 4587696lbs now.

I am drinking because of my job. To be more precise - because I suck at my job. I just started to get a little better at it, started to feel some ground under my feet and they decided that I'm not longer be in the same team, which is a team of speciallist, dealing with only one technology of the product, but I'd be better suited in the generalist team. It really broke me. I can't deal when people confirm I am worthless.

Right now I am sick. I have been in the hospital the past week. They let me go now, but I go back every day to get some injections and fluids through an ivy. I had a very bad alergic reaction out of nowevere and it was quite scary as I was covered in red hives all over my body and I was so swallen it was terrible. And the good news - no one knows what's going on. They just know it's some kind of infection within my fucked up body.

I went to be with my mother and the conclusion is - she hates me for dropping out of university. She thinks I am stupid and shallow and good for nothing. She now wants me to pay rent and bills. I am beyond devastated. This is the one thing that literally kills me - knowing I am a disappointment to her and that she is ashamed of me.

I am having a really, really bad time. It's hard for me to think and not being able to do anything due to this sickness, makes me think a lot. I'm getting even sadder. I don't know what to do.

Hope you are doing better.

- A

It's all going to shit.

Everything is worse with each passing day.

I suck at my job and I keep getting fatter. I am now the fattest I have been. EVER. I am too ashamed to even think about how much I weigh. And a coworker of mine did confirm it. She said "I remember how you looked when you started in our team n the autumn."

I am the heaviest that I have ever been. Ever.

It is so very sad. So very sad.

I am now back to the binging and purging. Because I fail at everything. I cannot stop eating and then well it has to come out.

Oh well. I've always known I am unimportant, fat and ugly. Why not look and act it.

I am very overwhelmed and it shows everywhere. For the past 4 months all I have been doing is working and sleeping and eating(of course). And I even fail at my job.

To be perfectly honest I really miss him. I can't stop remembering him. It's like the slightest thing just takes me right back to those times in his car after midnight. All those pointless talks and all those cigarretes smoked right after. I haven't lived after him. Not really. I've been getting by somehow. I almost don't cry anymore, but nothing is the same and everything is pointless.

I know it's pathetic and I wish I could snap out of it 3 years later, but hey he was the first and all other just seem grey and completely insignificant. I can't even remember most of them.

I really need to lose weight. I need to be thin. It's the only thing that's left honestly. I have no other purpose. I need to make this happen once and for all. I can keep on living this ugly and pathetic. And let's not kid ourselves everything is better when you're thin. I know I was. Everything was ok.

I just need to stop eating. Less calories, less money spent, less selfhatred.

Somebody put me out of my misery already. :(

- A.
aka Queen of Fatness

Hello there.

Yep, it's me. I am alive. Who would have guessed. And I am also fat. No surprise there though.

I hope you have been well, my Internet friends. I have not been here in quite some time as I have been a drunk bastard for many months now. And I also work all the time. Honestly all I do is work and drink. I get drunk every other day. Due to all the alcohol and hungover binging I am now back to where I started. Fat and disgusting and alcoholic at that.

I hate myself. I hate everyone around me. I hate my job, It's horrible. At night when I go to sleep I think about dying and more specifically killing myself. Everything is too much.

I slept with three of my colleagues. Two of whom have girlfriends. Go me. I didn't know that at the time, but does it really matter. The third, well another colleague was in love with him. Before I told her the whole story.

I have gained much weight. I don't fit in my clothes anymore. I don't take care of myself. I don't even shower with days. I disgust myself. I look terrible and I feel even worse. I also suck at my job.

I need for something to happen so that I snap out of this.

Help me. Please. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Eat less.

And you will lose weight. That is what it is.

I have been battling with my weight and eating habits my whole life, literally since I was 7 years old and what is the one constant thing for all those years? Whenever I eat less I do lose weight. It always works. In fact that is the only thing that works. That's my truth.

On that note I am now 147.2lbs. I don't know how that's happened since I started having a bit of beer after work, but I am really, really happy about it. I still try to eat just once a day and I mostly stick to it. However the past couple of days I realised that I am feeling a lot more peckish. I am thinking that time of the month is upon us again, but I still am trying to not give in and eat the doughnuts. All the doughnuts...

I also realised that I am genuinely afraid of gaining any weight, be it 0.2 or 2 lbs. It really frightens me and I don't know why it has become even worse now that I am actually down to a healthy weight and BMI. Which I couldn't be happier about. I am now officially in the healthy range. No longer overweight. This fills me with a warm feeling, and it's peaceful. Well, the first 5 minutes thinking about it. After that I start imagining gaining it back on or staying the same and I am right back at that terrible, terrible uncertainty that is a constant companion.
It's ok though, I just have to push through it.

Nothing else happening in my life really. Still absolutely terrified of my job and failure at it. Still hopelessly crushing on my manager and that's about it. I am getting sick, so you know no fun there. At least let's hope I won't have appetite. My head is a mess, my body is getting a little better. There's a chance that I won't look like an ugly blob soon. Keep your fingers crossed. I really need something be go right.  

I hope all you lovelies are doing good and wishing you a great weekend.
Lots of hugs.
-A.

Ok, this is getting ridiculous.

I am so so afraid of my job now. I am truly terrified.
It's been 3 days of actual work and let me tell you it's so hard. I have to work with people, over the phone and I panic and my mind just freezes and I try to just cope, but it's so, so hard. People keep telling me "It's ok, no one really knows what's going on the first month or so. We all just you know, wing it. It's ok to be completely clueless, don't worry." But it's incomprehensible for me to just don't worry. Yes, right now (the first 2 weeks) we don't have to actually hit any targets, but what happens after that. I don't even know if I will make it to that point. I'm really just so terrified.
One of the managers even called me in "the little room" to try and explain that it's all normal and it's gonna pass and to just not worry, but honestly all I could think about is that everyone's already past that, so they can just "not worry".
All in all I am terrified and feel like the stupidest person in the whole company.

There are so many handsome men around though. Of course everyone I've liked so far is in a relationship. Just my luck as usual. What can you do. To be honest even if they weren't, who would like me. All fat and ugly and super stupid. Oh, how I wish I could have something to keep me afloat.

In other news - I am now officially under 150lbs! FUCK YEAH! I cannot describe how happy I am. It's the best thing to happen for the past month and I still can't believe I did it. I'm 148.2lbs, everyone! Isn't this amazing! I've basically been trying to eat as little as possible and it has been working. Being in a constant state of terror and confusion has also helped. I just pray I can keep it up at least until I get back to my old less than 130lbs self.

I hope you're all doing good.
Lots of love and hugs.
-A.

Well, the summer is over.

Hello, lovely people of the Internets! I hope this post finds you well :)

I have been gone for a while again. Not intentionally at all. It’s just that this whole work thing fucks me up. I am absolutely exhausted. I spent 9 to 6 at work  then I get home - in the bathroom and in bed by 10 pm. Yes this has been my life for the past month. However now that the training part is over I have to start actual work which has me beyond freaked out. I am absolutely terrified. Anxiety is at its’ worst right now. But hey, what can you do.

Also, I have lost 4lbs. I am now at my lowest weight for the past six months. Which is both great and depressing. Because here I am at 5’5 and 151.4lbs. I am really happy though, I truly am. Just 2 more pounds and I’m under 150! Maybe I’ll be able to fit in my clothes again and I won’t have to wear the same two articles of clothing all the time.

The loss is due to the fact that I have not been eating throughout the day. I just don’t want to spend money in case I get fired(In the contract says that for the first six months you’re basically on probation so they can fire you at any point) and I have no money. And of course because my options are basically fast food(KFC, Burger King etc.) and chinese. I cannot in good conscience eat those things, let alone eat them in front of people. To be completely honest I have also purged a couple of times, an unfortunate cheesecake incident and an even more unfortunate Domino's incident. 

But overall it’s pretty great I'm down and I’m super happy about it. 

But September’s here once again and it’s really hard for me. This month has always been hard for me. To be honest I don’t even know why, but the nostalgia is just too much. Too much to the point where I actually cry myself to sleep. Happier moments of the past years just pop up in my head and I can’t shake the feeling of utter sadness and regret and desperation and knowing that it will never be like this again.

Still super lonely and (sorry for the TMI) super horny now too. All these handsome, tall men passing by in the office and me knowing I would never have a chance. Realistically who would choose me (fat, ugly, disgusting and stupid) over the thin, long haired, well dressed girls around. Nobody, that’s who. It’s so depressing knowing you’re the last option around. And it’s all your fault.

One good thing I have to look forward to is the release of the new Kings Of Leon album in October. I cannot describe what this band and music holds for me. The happiest time of my life and also the sadness of knowing it will never be this good again. Bittersweet.

I’m so fucked up, I just need someone to hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me it’s all going to be ok.

I’m sorry I have been just creeping on your blogs and not leaving any love in the comments. It’s just that I truly believe that I’m bothering you. I don’t want to be that annoying outsider who you just pity because they’re, well, pitiful.

I do wish you a great week and just positive and nice things. :)

I'm still alive and fat.

Hello, lovely people of the Internet.

I am still alive and still fat. And I have been reading all you lovelies' posts.
So what has been going on with me, let's see. Nothing really.

I have started the new job. Yey, I'm not a lazy slob anymore. Still in the training phase though. Which I have to say is way harder than I imagined. It is also exhausting. Probably because I'm used to just lay in bed all day feeling sad and not doing much.  But still I get home with just about enough strenght left to shower and eat. It's also very hard for me to interact with people there. I'm not made for this.

Fat wise, I'm still fat. Even fatter actually. I've gained back like 3lbs, or something of the sort and I do truly hate the fact that I'm getting back to my old ways. The reson is becuase the place I work in is right across a mall, so there's lots of fast food places and I never have the willpower to just not eat. At least I don't binge, right. I eat bad shit, but it's like 2 doghunts, or a litle chinese. As opposed to what I used to do - 4 doughnuts, chinese, KFC, and then go home and eat more.

It's been two weeks since I started and I'm getting used to the whole thing, so I hope that I will be back posting regularly and commenting, so bear with me.

I wish you a wonderful week! :)

Fast?

Oh, well it's been shit the past couple of days.

I've been binging and purging the past two days and last night I got really drunk.

I don't know what my weight is now, but I had got down to 153 lbs. Which is actually 69lgs, so I'm finally below 70. I couldn't believe it when I saw the scale. Speaking of scale I got an electronic one for my place, because the one I had was not electronic and not at all accurate.

Everything else is pure shit. I have no money. I'm gonna have a house guest I don't really know staying with me for four days. My training has been changed to 6 weeks instead of four. I'm super sad and lonely and alone(literally, my sister's not around so I'm constantly alone).

I've not eaten anything today. I'm thinking of fasting. I really want to buy diet coke, but I don't know if it's a good idea seeing as I don't have money.

I just want to be thin. And maybe have a little money.

Sorry for the negativity.
Hope you're doing better.

-A.