Well, the summer is over.

Hello, lovely people of the Internets! I hope this post finds you well :)

I have been gone for a while again. Not intentionally at all. It’s just that this whole work thing fucks me up. I am absolutely exhausted. I spent 9 to 6 at work  then I get home - in the bathroom and in bed by 10 pm. Yes this has been my life for the past month. However now that the training part is over I have to start actual work which has me beyond freaked out. I am absolutely terrified. Anxiety is at its’ worst right now. But hey, what can you do.

Also, I have lost 4lbs. I am now at my lowest weight for the past six months. Which is both great and depressing. Because here I am at 5’5 and 151.4lbs. I am really happy though, I truly am. Just 2 more pounds and I’m under 150! Maybe I’ll be able to fit in my clothes again and I won’t have to wear the same two articles of clothing all the time.

The loss is due to the fact that I have not been eating throughout the day. I just don’t want to spend money in case I get fired(In the contract says that for the first six months you’re basically on probation so they can fire you at any point) and I have no money. And of course because my options are basically fast food(KFC, Burger King etc.) and chinese. I cannot in good conscience eat those things, let alone eat them in front of people. To be completely honest I have also purged a couple of times, an unfortunate cheesecake incident and an even more unfortunate Domino's incident. 

But overall it’s pretty great I'm down and I’m super happy about it. 

But September’s here once again and it’s really hard for me. This month has always been hard for me. To be honest I don’t even know why, but the nostalgia is just too much. Too much to the point where I actually cry myself to sleep. Happier moments of the past years just pop up in my head and I can’t shake the feeling of utter sadness and regret and desperation and knowing that it will never be like this again.

Still super lonely and (sorry for the TMI) super horny now too. All these handsome, tall men passing by in the office and me knowing I would never have a chance. Realistically who would choose me (fat, ugly, disgusting and stupid) over the thin, long haired, well dressed girls around. Nobody, that’s who. It’s so depressing knowing you’re the last option around. And it’s all your fault.

One good thing I have to look forward to is the release of the new Kings Of Leon album in October. I cannot describe what this band and music holds for me. The happiest time of my life and also the sadness of knowing it will never be this good again. Bittersweet.

I’m so fucked up, I just need someone to hug me, kiss my forehead and tell me it’s all going to be ok.

I’m sorry I have been just creeping on your blogs and not leaving any love in the comments. It’s just that I truly believe that I’m bothering you. I don’t want to be that annoying outsider who you just pity because they’re, well, pitiful.

I do wish you a great week and just positive and nice things. :)