Summer makes me happy.

And very sad at the same time.

Ever since I can remember I've not been able to put my feelings into words. I just can't explain myself. I don't know why. Maybe I myself am too confused to distinguish what is it that I feel. I don't know. However it has been a huge obstacle when it comes to sharing with my family or friends, asking for advice or help. I think that's the reason I just don't try to connect with anyone anymore.

On that note - I cannot possibly describe how completely alone and lonely I am at the moment. (TMI ahead) I haven't been with a man for about 5-6 months and I feel myself needing someone to be there purely physically. I just need lips to kiss and arms around me and skin pressed against mine. But guess what? I'm a fat, ugly piggy. Who's gonna want me? Yep, exactly - nobody.
Physical side of things aside (what a great sentence structure, you stupid-o) I eliminated a lot of toxic friends from my life and now I find myself completely alone, save for one person. Honestly I feel like she tolerates me just because she pities me, knowing I have no other friends. It's getting a bit overwhelming.

I did however put my big girl pants on and started getting my paperwork (for the job) in order. I am happy to say that today, only a day later, I now have everything that I need. In a little bit over a week I have to go, give them all the documents and officially sign the contract. Couple of days after that the training starts. Anxiety has settled into every single cell in my body. I guess I'm just waiting to explode and evaporate. More like hoping, if I were to be honest.

Eating? Truthfully, I have no idea what is going on in that department.
I got my period a couple of days ago, so exercise is out of the question as anything more than walking gives me such pain that I can barely breath. Food, I was too busy to eat yesterday, so I only had a couple of small sandwiches (less than 700 kcals) late in the day. Today - no idea what to do. I weighed myself this morning, (while on my period, how stupid am I, really!?) and to my surprised I'd lost a little bit. I am now 158lbs. What a comforting thought. I am trying so hard to stop counting calories and enjoy things in moderation (without them coming back up in a couple of hours), but it is so difficult and I keep failing, so I get even more discouraged. At this point I'm trying just so I won't feel guilty about not putting in any efforts.

Yesterday me and my (only friend, that pities me) met up with some of her male friends. I had my eye on one of them, but of course nothing came of it. He showered my thin, pretty ( 95lbs) friend with attention and joked around with me. Ha, what a surprise. Am I right.

I am sorry that this post turned out so negative. I really didn't intent on it. But I guess right now there isn't much positivity in my life and I'm just being honest and realistic. I still have some hope for the alleged light at the end of the tunnel. I guess we'll wait and see.

I am wishing you all a lovely weekend!
Hugs!
-A.

I am tired.

I have never thought of myself as someone with an eating disorder. Simply because my lowest BMI is 19, I am too fat and not at all sick. But I'm now convinced that I have an eating disorder. Namely Binge Eating Disorder. I am really surprised that I didn't realise this sooner. I mean I am fat, I keep binging. I don't have control over my eating in the slightest. How very, very sad.

I have been eating crap this past week, because I don't really have money, so I just keep eating whatever's in the fridge. I've probably gained a ton.

I got the job by the way! Yey, go me. After the interview I realised that I am really scared of the idea of starting work. I am anxious and afraid that I'm going to fail. There is a month of training, which is paid and after that you actually start working. I am super scared I'm gonna fail.

I don't know what happened, but I am sad again and it's getting dark again. I have no idea how to stop it.
My mother doesn't speak to me. She's mad or something of the sort, I don't really know as she won't
tell me.

Eating wise, after doing extensive research I have decided to stop dieting and try to stop binging. Only problem is I keep throwing up at night as I keep eating crap. It's all just a vicious cycle and I'm too tired to fight it. Maybe I was meant to be morbidly obese and die of heart disease or something. I don't know. I just know I'm so sick of this everyday torture aka food.

I'm going back to my mother's house tomorrow, so there's a little hope for me there. She goes grocery shopping regularly and I can do my cardio. Plus, she always is commenting on my eating, so that usually makes me lose my appetite.

Did I meantion how sad I am. Because I am really, really sad. And Fat. Very fat.

One more hour.

That is what I kept telling myself yesterday, but I didn't make it. Around 6 pm I started eating and by 9 I had ended up with a total of 2500 - 3000 kcals for the day. I guess it's PMS, but do the reasons really matter?
Now it was not a typical binge for me, because I didn't just eat everything I saw as fast as I could. I just kept a slow and steady pace of eating bad foods that usually make me uncomfortable. I can't really explain what happened. It was like I was watching myself eat and I was not thinking at all. It was really strange. For breakfast and lunch I had 700 kcals, then 6 pm - 2 sandwiches with sauce (800 kcals), a bit of crisps (300), ice-cream 300 kcals, some cheese (200 - 300 kcals) with wine( 200? kcals) and a bunch of nuts (300- 400 kcals).  So in matter of (3) hours I ate more than I have eaten for the last 4-5 days. I am sad and ashamed and mainly disappointed with myself. I don't seem to have gained any weight, still 157.4 lbs, at least something good to this whole depressing business.
My mother really pisses me off. She won't stop commenting on my weight and the things I eat. It's just so unnerving.

I've been called for another interview in person this time. It's on Tuesday and I'm meeting with a manager. Within a week after the interview I will be notified if I'm hired. I'm so nervous. The other interview via Skype was kind of ok, the man told me that he was left with a positive first impression, but to be honest I completely mucked up the technical part of the interview. Since then I have been reading up on things and I'm a bit more prepared, but still very nervous.
When I told my mother I've been called for a second interview she told me to put on tightening underwear, so they don't think I'm pregnant. What the hell, mother, what the hell.

If any of you want to put a face to the written words here's my personal instagram - . I don't really post food related things on there, but if any of you are curious you can check it out. (I will probably delete the user name later, or tomorrow.)

I hope  your weekend was good and you managed to distress. Wishing you a positive and productive new week. Hugs :)
- A.

I generally don't know.

I'm quite unsure of what is happening right now. With my life, with my weight, with my family. It's like I don't participate in any of it, I'm just a sideline observer.

Anyway, I have some good and some bad news.
Bad news -  I had a huge fight with my mother. And my sister. My sister had annoyed my mother all morning and at some point the poor woman just couldn't handle it anymore(she was working, mind you) and she just snapped. She threw her cellphone on the ground. Started crying and yelling at me, how we(sister and I) were jelaous bitches, don't deserve anything, we've made her life miserable and what failures we were and told me she can't stand to look at me. Literally she said all that, among some other unpleasent things. Made me so sad that when I was alone in the privacy of my room I gave it a good cry and almost dug out the razor. It's a bit better today, but what has been said shall remain. You know, it hurts because it's all true.

Good news - first, I had mentioned that I applied for a job, well yesterday, a week later, when I had already given up, they contacted me and  I have an interview for tomorrow via Skype. It's going to be my first ever job interview and words cannot describe how nervous I am. Keep your fingers crossed for poor ol' me. I really need this job, because I dropped out and I can't seem to pass my exams to go back to university. Earning would mean that I would be free of my mother's constant nagging. Being financially independant would also mean I can save up and get all the things I can't now, which makes me happy.
(My sister however was not approved and I think that that's what triggered the fight yesterday. She was calling my mother(for the 100th time this morning) to whine about how I'm going to have more money than her.)
Second - I seem to be back at my pre mini vacation weight - 158.5lbs! Go me! I am so very happy. I think it is because I went to the bathroom and also yesterday I worked my (huge) ass off. I was helping my friend move, which meant climbing flights of stairs carrying heavy objects many, many times. Every muscle in my body is sore today, but I don't regret doing it. I actually feel acomplished. I'm regretting the vodka that I had, but oh, well I can't really give up my alcohol now, can I.
To be honest I'm kind of annoyed my friend. She's 94lbs a little taller than me and she wears very revealing clothes. I cannot describe how jelaous I am and how terrible I feel when I am around her. It's like I am  wearing a sing that says "The ugly, fat friend." It doesn't help that she also tends to complain how all the men like her. She doesn't do it on purpous or obnooxiously, but it still sucks.

It is now 3:15 pm and I still have not eating anything. I actually don't want to eat anything, but I'll probably make something for dinner, just in case. Anything to prevent a binge, right.

Hope you're having a good week.
- A.

Just eat normal.

Excuse me!? Are you serious!?

(This is going to be a negative, sad post, so feel free to not read it, not that anyone actually read this blog at all.)

Yet again, I'm barely back and my mother has to comment on my weight as always:

- Well, you don't look like you've gained weight. The opposite in fact. Why don't you take of your jacket and let me see. 
This is how she greeted me. No joke. After the hi, how was your trip. I really tried not to think about it, put it in back of my mind, I did. Until this morning. I decided to go grocery shopping as the only thing we have in the fridge and the pantry is eggs and potatoes. So I was making a list, asking her would she like something specific and I told her I'm getting the low calorie yogurt. Naturally she decided to start talking about how I should cut it out with the diet and "Just eat normal." Oh, well mother, how did I not think of that earlier. You are truly a genius.

I'll just eat normal. I mean it's not like the past 8 years I've been fighting with my body and treating it like crap. It's not like I hate myself more with every bite I take. It's not like I don't know what the fuck a normal meals is. It's not like losing weight is much more important to me than health. After all you can't be fat and healthy. It's really easy to keep food down. It's really easy to not take any laxatives. It's wonderful to look at myself in the mirror and see just a fat blob staring back at me.
But sure I'll just eat normal.

In all honesty it's really not her fault. She doesn't know what's really going on. She doest see me weighing every meal, writing down every calorie, weighing in 5 times just to be sure. She just wants her daughter to be happy and thin(most of all). She's always wanted to have a thin, beautiful child and she's always made it known. Not because of anything else, but because she's been overweight all her life (thyroid ) and she doesn't want that for her daughter. It is literally never enough for her. At my lowest weight(not that low I know) she told me "You could stand to lose a little more in the thigh area." 

It makes me so sad knowing that I am such a disappointment. Dropping out of school, not being able to find a job, spending so much, being so fat all the time. It saddens me deeply. I just wish I could bring her joy in some way, not just make her regret having me.

In other news I have gained 3.3 lbs. Yay, go me! Not. I am once again 162lbs and I want to stab myself with something in the throat. I don't know how accurate that is, since I couldn't go to the toilet today and had a coffee before weighing myself, so I'm still hoping that it might just be 161.9. Cross your fingers.

Hope you have a great week! :)

Another week, another binge.

The past couple of days have been terrible.
Since my last post it's all been binge, binge, binge. Then of course purge and then take some laxatives and cry yourself to sleep because you're fat, ugly and weak.
Things are getting bad again and I don't know if I should start taking antidepressants again, because I feel like I'm slipping.

So I am back to my mum's house. Which means that I will be able to exercise regularly again. It makes me really happy. Somehow knowing that I will be able to do cardio as much as I want to gives me peace. Today hasn't been so bad. I ate a normal meal, haven't binged yet, but it is only 6pm.
I also haven't weighed myself yet. To be honest I am so afraid of that moment. I've probably gained everything I lost and it will kill me to see those high numbers again. I know I deserve it for being such a fat pig, but it hurts so much to know that I can't make it. It really does.
However I have no choice but to do it, so tomorrow morning I will be going to the bathroom, stripping and praying I haven't gained it all back.

I have absolutely no idea what to do as far as eating goes. I don't know if I will be able to get back to under 1200 Kcals and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to. I eat 500 kcals I binge, I eat 1200 kcals I still binge. Why try when I can't win. At least on 500 kcals a day I was losing faster. Obviously I'm going to be miserable, so why not be thinner and miserable. I torment myself enough, why not have something to show for it right.

I have no idea what to do. All I know is I need to get my shit together and do something about this horrible, horrible body of mine because the way that it is right now is making me want to hurt myself. It's been months since I last did it and I really want to have at least one achievement. Seeing as how eating has gone to shit again.

It has been 8 years, I don't have the strength anymore. I just want it to stop. And the fat to go away. I'm tired. I'm really tired of it all.

I knew this would happen.

It has been a dreadful week. I cannot explain why this always happens. Things are going well, everything seems ok and then suddenly bam and everything's gone. Every time. I'm getting really desperate.
So I took a trip to the city, as I mentioned in the previous post. My sister and I live here. I just wanted a could of days away from my mother. I love her to death, but she can be too much sometimes and two weeks with her had begun to be a little too much. I was fully aware that I wasn't going to be able to do as much cardio and exercise in general. I was expecting it and trying my best to be ok with it. Yeah - a big mistake, huge.
I got here and the first couple of days everything was ok:

04.07.16:
Kcal in: 700  Kcal out: 200

05.07.16:
Kcal in: 925  Kcal out: 200

06.07.16:
Kcal in: 1250 Kcal out: 200

Then it all went to hell:

08.0716:
Kcal in: 2500 - 3000

09.07.16:
Kcal in: 2500 - 3000

And I went to the bathroom. Puked until everything was out and I was throwing up blood and also took a bit more than the recommended dose of laxatives.
Today I tried to weigh myself but in vein as the scale here is not digital and it's kind of hard to read, plus I'm pretty sure it's off 2-3lbs. Basically it's somewhere around 160lbs but I can't be sure and this scares me a lot. I've never been good with not knowing exactly how much I weigh and how much I need to lose. It makes me feel anxious and like there's nothing I can do. Which is stupid. I know.

In other unrelated news I've send my CV to a company that is currently recruiting people for what seems to be really nice positions. However I'm really sad because I've sent it on Wednesday and no one's got back to me. Which means they won't get back to me. I needed the job so much. It makes me feel so worthless. I know I'm too ugly and stupid. Otherwise why wouldn't they hire me.

I've got no clue what to do today. If it was up to me I'd be living only of coffee and cigarettes, but the threat of a binge hanging over me is just too real to risk it. We'll see.

Another day, another meal.

Hello, lovely people. I hope your Sunday is going well, whether you are just resting from a stressful week or having an adventure of sorts. I, personally, believe that Sundays are for relaxing so I allowed myself to eat a little worse and exercise a little less. One day out of a week is not so bad. If I don't have a day like that I usually burn out and end up binging, which must be avoided at ALL costs.
Otherwise it has been a good day. I read a book, Lost Souls by Poppy Ze Brite, I am at the very beginning, but so far it seems alright. I cleaned a bit, went  on a walk and watched some TV. Another piece of good news - I lost almost a pound. I have decided that I should weigh myself only once a week(Saturday - yesterday) to avoid breakdowns, but I  just couldn't help it. And as of this morning I am 158.9lbs. How awesome is that! I am glad, but I have to say the way I usually go about losing weight I'd have lost those 5-6lbs in a week, not two. I just have to remind myself that I am putting all my efforts towards a normal healthy diet. (Even though I've never been fatter and I'm eating twice as much as I should.)

Anyway here's today's eats and exercise:

Kcals in: 1180
Kcals out: 480
Water x 8
Current weight: 158.9

I am concerned however because I'm going to be travelling for a couple of days and I don't know if I'll be able to exercise. It worries me. I can't just relax and not think about it. Not when I'm this fat, not when I've been losing so slowly. It's painful to try to fit in my clothes and so very painful to look at myself in the mirror.

But enough with the negativity. I wish you all a great week!

Hello, everyone!

My name is Anna. I am 22 and am from Europe. I have made countless blogs  none of which has lasted. I am hoping this time things change.
I have made this blog primarily to document my weight loss journey, but I'll also be sharing a lot of unrelated to that things.

So here are some stats: Height: 5'5  HW:165lbs  LW:123lbs CW:159lbs
I want to say that even though my eating is disordered I have never been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder, nor do I promote them. I am not the healthiest person, but I do urge you to try and focus onthat rather than quick weight loss.

So here's a quick overview of my last couple of weeks:
21.06:
Kcals. in: 1546  Kcal out: 230

22.06:
Kcals. in: 1424  Kcal out: 260  CW: 164.6

23.06:
Kcals. in: 2550  Kcal out: 330  CW: 162.2

24.06:
Kcals. in: 1090  Kcal out: 310

25.06:
Kcals. in: 1050  Kcal out: 315 CW: 161.8

26.06:
Kcals. in: 3000  Kcal out: 305

27.06: Juice Fast
Kcals. in: 130  Kcal out: 30

28.06:
Kcals. in: 1200  Kcal out: 380 CW: 160.8

29.06:
Kcals. in: 900  Kcal out: 400

30.06:
Kcals. in: 1200  Kcal out: 480

01.07:
Kcals. in: 1160  Kcal out: 580

02.07:
Kcals. in: 850 Kcals out: 600 CW:159.6

In the evening I will edit this post to include today's eats and exercise.
Hope you're having a wonderful weekend! :)