The past couple of days have been terrible.
Since my last post it's all been binge, binge, binge. Then of course purge and then take some laxatives and cry yourself to sleep because you're fat, ugly and weak.
Things are getting bad again and I don't know if I should start taking antidepressants again, because I feel like I'm slipping.
So I am back to my mum's house. Which means that I will be able to exercise regularly again. It makes me really happy. Somehow knowing that I will be able to do cardio as much as I want to gives me peace. Today hasn't been so bad. I ate a normal meal, haven't binged yet, but it is only 6pm.
I also haven't weighed myself yet. To be honest I am so afraid of that moment. I've probably gained everything I lost and it will kill me to see those high numbers again. I know I deserve it for being such a fat pig, but it hurts so much to know that I can't make it. It really does.
However I have no choice but to do it, so tomorrow morning I will be going to the bathroom, stripping and praying I haven't gained it all back.
I have absolutely no idea what to do as far as eating goes. I don't know if I will be able to get back to under 1200 Kcals and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to. I eat 500 kcals I binge, I eat 1200 kcals I still binge. Why try when I can't win. At least on 500 kcals a day I was losing faster. Obviously I'm going to be miserable, so why not be thinner and miserable. I torment myself enough, why not have something to show for it right.
I have no idea what to do. All I know is I need to get my shit together and do something about this horrible, horrible body of mine because the way that it is right now is making me want to hurt myself. It's been months since I last did it and I really want to have at least one achievement. Seeing as how eating has gone to shit again.
It has been 8 years, I don't have the strength anymore. I just want it to stop. And the fat to go away. I'm tired. I'm really tired of it all.
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