I have never thought of myself as someone with an eating disorder. Simply because my lowest BMI is 19, I am too fat and not at all sick. But I'm now convinced that I have an eating disorder. Namely Binge Eating Disorder. I am really surprised that I didn't realise this sooner. I mean I am fat, I keep binging. I don't have control over my eating in the slightest. How very, very sad.
I have been eating crap this past week, because I don't really have money, so I just keep eating whatever's in the fridge. I've probably gained a ton.
I got the job by the way! Yey, go me. After the interview I realised that I am really scared of the idea of starting work. I am anxious and afraid that I'm going to fail. There is a month of training, which is paid and after that you actually start working. I am super scared I'm gonna fail.
I don't know what happened, but I am sad again and it's getting dark again. I have no idea how to stop it.
My mother doesn't speak to me. She's mad or something of the sort, I don't really know as she won't
tell me.
Eating wise, after doing extensive research I have decided to stop dieting and try to stop binging. Only problem is I keep throwing up at night as I keep eating crap. It's all just a vicious cycle and I'm too tired to fight it. Maybe I was meant to be morbidly obese and die of heart disease or something. I don't know. I just know I'm so sick of this everyday torture aka food.
I'm going back to my mother's house tomorrow, so there's a little hope for me there. She goes grocery shopping regularly and I can do my cardio. Plus, she always is commenting on my eating, so that usually makes me lose my appetite.
Did I meantion how sad I am. Because I am really, really sad. And Fat. Very fat.
hopefully, i don't offend you with anything i'm about to say. like i said before and i'll say again, this is a very sensitive topic and i hate to think i might've upset you!
ReplyDeletei forget you reply to your comments on your blog, so i just went to check up on your earlier ones. i had a look over at your Ig (just in case you wanted to delete the comment) and i must say: you are unbelievably stunning. your eyes are absolutely darling. and from whatever body posts you've showed, you don't look anywhere near fat. quite small actually. do you mind me asking for your ethnicity? it's alright if you feel like i'm prying a bit too much, but really, you are very very beautiful!
the thought "i am too fat to have an eating disorder" pretty much tells you you probably do have one. when i've gone into recovery, i was actually overweight. i've lost weight in recovery, but only because i wanted to increase my cals slowly + exercise loads so i don't put it on. but my metabolism is pretty pukka right about now. i do know that you can get to a point where you can legitimately maintain on 2,500-3,000 cals/day. it's insane what your body can accept sometimes.
i don't think you have BED. i do, however, think if you restrict, you're liable to binge. it's inevitable. i used to think it was just 'self control'. it's not.
"I got the job by the way!" BRILLIANT news by the way. very well deserved no doubt. you know what helps me? go at it day by day. nothing good comes out of worrying about something that will be a problem /in the future/. think about today and take it as it is. it's easier said than done, but i believe that practice makes perfect too, aye? there's a high likelihood you'd do splendidly though. just saying.
you're far far from morbidly obese.
not sure if you even want to know, but i find that the way i stopped the binge cycle (and this took me years) was - first cutting out the purging (it really does make you binge less), and any other bulimic behaviours too (this meant laxatives and overexercising for me too). i do tend to overexercise still sometimes, but it's only because i enjoy the thing in question rather than me forcing myself to, if ygm. then it comes with toying and tinkering with intake/things to eat/etc until you get the hang of it. i'm still trying to perfect that formula. i do overeat by LOTS most times (sometimes 3000+ like i did yesterday - had a bowl of chia porridge, two slices of pepperoni pizza, two 100g chocolate bars, a takeaway curry + mozz sticks) but they are not binges for me because a binge is typically the mindset more than the quantity for me. i ate this slowly and with people. so it was very "normal eating, just eating a tonne of food".
i hope you do feel better, love. and you are not fat, you know. not even close. i'm just some stranger on the internet but sometimes, you really need to hear something from someone.
take care of yourself, love xxx
-Sam Lupin
PS: I completely forgot to tell you, that I am from a small, little country in Eastern Europe.
DeleteYou aren't upsetting me at all. I actually like seeing your comments.
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you, but since I got fatter I haven't posted any pictures of my body. The ones that are still up are from last year, aka 10 kg ago :(
That is what I am trying to do. I've started panicking when I think about it ever since I got the news. I'm really trying to remind myself I haven't even started.
Thank you for your advice. I do realize I have to stop with these behavious I just can't quite cut it out.
Thank you for your lovely comment. You did make me feel a bit bettr. Hugs :)
comment reply:
ReplyDeletei'm glad you did feel better after my comments. :) honestly, i think even with an added 10kg, you wouldn't be fat. genuinely saying so. i hope that you keep on updating us as often as you'd like. i do actually want to get to know you. you sound like a very nice person.
it's amazing that i still can't quite believe it. i thought that when i heard that i'd pass, i'd be beaming but i'm still in some disbelief.
thank you, love xxx your comments are adorable. as are you.
hope you have a lovely week!
-Sam Lupin