Excuse me!? Are you serious!?
(This is going to be a negative, sad post, so feel free to not read it, not that anyone actually read this blog at all.)
Yet again, I'm barely back and my mother has to comment on my weight as always:
- Well, you don't look like you've gained weight. The opposite in fact. Why don't you take of your jacket and let me see.
This is how she greeted me. No joke. After the hi, how was your trip. I really tried not to think about it, put it in back of my mind, I did. Until this morning. I decided to go grocery shopping as the only thing we have in the fridge and the pantry is eggs and potatoes. So I was making a list, asking her would she like something specific and I told her I'm getting the low calorie yogurt. Naturally she decided to start talking about how I should cut it out with the diet and "Just eat normal." Oh, well mother, how did I not think of that earlier. You are truly a genius.
I'll just eat normal. I mean it's not like the past 8 years I've been fighting with my body and treating it like crap. It's not like I hate myself more with every bite I take. It's not like I don't know what the fuck a normal meals is. It's not like losing weight is much more important to me than health. After all you can't be fat and healthy. It's really easy to keep food down. It's really easy to not take any laxatives. It's wonderful to look at myself in the mirror and see just a fat blob staring back at me.
But sure I'll just eat normal.
In all honesty it's really not her fault. She doesn't know what's really going on. She doest see me weighing every meal, writing down every calorie, weighing in 5 times just to be sure. She just wants her daughter to be happy and thin(most of all). She's always wanted to have a thin, beautiful child and she's always made it known. Not because of anything else, but because she's been overweight all her life (thyroid ) and she doesn't want that for her daughter. It is literally never enough for her. At my lowest weight(not that low I know) she told me "You could stand to lose a little more in the thigh area."
It makes me so sad knowing that I am such a disappointment. Dropping out of school, not being able to find a job, spending so much, being so fat all the time. It saddens me deeply. I just wish I could bring her joy in some way, not just make her regret having me.
In other news I have gained 3.3 lbs. Yay, go me! Not. I am once again 162lbs and I want to stab myself with something in the throat. I don't know how accurate that is, since I couldn't go to the toilet today and had a coffee before weighing myself, so I'm still hoping that it might just be 161.9. Cross your fingers.
Hope you have a great week! :)
hello, love. you've commented on my blog, so i've added you to my follow list and i just about read all your posts.
ReplyDeletelove, i think mum's comments are highly uncalled for (my mum is very similar. after losing the weight that i did, now she makes fun of me for being too thin... which is ironic in itself because if i put on a bit after eating much for a month or so, she'd say i need to watch my diet. and when i do, she'll tell me why i bother.) i don't think there really is something that you can do that will make her stop making comments about it. i don't think it's you. i think she's just displeased with herself and projecting it towards you so that she doesn't have to deal with the fact that she's not happy with herself. at least that's how i'd imagine my mother to be.
you are not a disappointment. i can tell you right then. i don't have to know much about you, but i notice that when someone thinks that they're disappointments, when they think that they are worth very little, it's usually the opposite. people that do disappoint don't usually know that they do, and that's the weird thing. basically, telling me that you think you're a disappointment proves that you're not.
it took me 2 years of being in recovery to give up something as menial as laxatives. it's not impossible by the way. i'm trying to recover all on my own, but you'e strong enough to do it too if you feel like it. i just have to say it once because in all essence, i am a recovery blogger and i'd hate myself for not letting you know. i won't say it too often 'cause i don't want you to feel like i'm pestering you and making it sound easy. it's not. but i loathe seeing someone else in this hell. it's not fair to them. you deserve better and the least i can do is tell you that.
by the way, even if it's accurate, you wouldn't notice 3lbs on someone else. it's a very minimal amount of weight. i know we "feel" it on ourselves, and 3 feels like 30, but sometimes, hearing it from someone else (i.e. that 3lbs is nothing) helps a bit. it's true though. if someone else told you they put on 3lbs, you wouldn't think much of it.
to reply to the comment you left on my blog:
"I used to love the white one. I would eat it every day in highschool. It was like an addiction. Then one day I just stopped liking it." that' so cute! i don't know. stuff like this makes me smile. it's weird how stuff like this happens, doesn't it?
hopefully, i didn't say anything to offend you. i did talk about very sensitive topics, so i hope that it didn't make you feel any worse! i hope you have a great week as well xxx
-Sam Lupin
Thank you for your kind comment!
DeleteMy mother is a very strong and independent person and she's had a very hard life. While I understand it, she just has no idea how to comunicate and always come across as a mean and pushy person. I just wish she'd see it.
It's one of the things I just can't shake off, laxatives. I feel so much better knowing there's nothing in my stomach. It's such a relief.